Recently, a friend of mine emailed to let me know her sister-in-law was curious about Wicca and Paganism. She asked if she could send her my email so that she could ask me some questions. Since I think my response to her sister-in-law really exemplifies my honest feelings about religion, I’ve decided to make it into a blog post ~
Hi Stacey,
Good to hear from you, Huyen let me know you were having some thoughts about Wicca/Paganism and I’m glad to be able to share my own experiences with you. I read your email as well as your blog post and I feel as though we have a lot in common as far as religion goes!
I was raised in a very strict christian group, called The Way Ministry. It has since been termed a cult, and I believe it probably was although I tend to see all organized religions as large cults at this point. Like you, I never really fully accepted what I was taught, but I went through the motions and didn’t know any better. I never outwardly questioned the beliefs because they used enough fear tactics to keep us from using our own brains.
When I graduated high school and went off to college my spiritual life was thrown into flux. I was in the honors program at USM and we covered a lot of religious history, philosophy, etc. I spent a lot of time in philosophical discussions with other students that would go late into the night, sometimes into the mornings. I consider that time in my life to be the “awakening.” I was finally thinking, I was finally looking at the world, at history, at my own life in a very objective way.
I remember subscribing to agnostic ideals early on in my freshman year. And even 10 years later, after years of being a pagan I still consider my core beliefs to be agnostic. I truly believe that not I, nor anyone else can ever know the answers about heaven, hell, god, gods, goddesses, life after death, reincarnation, etc. All I can do is try and strip away all the dogma that’s been forced upon me and try and live my life in a sacred, meaningful and spiritual way. The best way for me to do that is through paganism. It just fits my personality.
I did dabble in Wicca for a couple of years, and in fact that was where I started down the pagan path. I found some local groups that held open circles and practiced with them casually; I read a lot of books, I met a lot of pagan folk. I enjoyed the energy of working with others but mostly I cherished working alone. When doing rituals or celebrating the festivals I would love to be at home, baking, preparing, cleaning my tools, burning incense, listening to pagan music. I loved casting circles in my home, doing cleansing rituals, meditations, etc. It was an incredibly magical experience. I didn’t feel anything as spiritual and powerful when working within a group. I still went to group rituals on occasion for the social aspect though and it kept me tied to the community.
The best pagan experience I ever had was a class I took in the Reclaiming tradition. Some pagan folk hosted it at their home in the Maine woods; it was a weekend class. It was two days of intensive meditation & visualization work, singing, drumming, ritual, sharing meals, etc. One morning I was awoken by the sound of a guy playing a harp and signing a beautiful welsh song. It was everything I had imagined that being a pagan would be.
I’ve always felt that religion is just a means for control/manipulation. Wicca, of course doesn’t have the usual power scheme of most organized religions, so I think it’s a much safer sort of religion. With that being said, there are a lot people in covens that tend to be just as dogmatic and power hungry as the leaders in christian religions.
I think that Wicca and paganism tend to draw an odd crowd. There are a lot of rebellious teens, adults with “problems” (like addictions, mental disorders, etc) and even predators. Because of the way Wicca is portrayed by the media and by people in general, a lot of weird people end up being attracted to it. Now, with that said, there are of course lots of wonderful people that are Wiccan and pagan! But you have to keep an eye out for the odd ones. Don’t be dismayed by the people that seem to be in it for all the wrong reasons. I try to remind myself that we are all on a very personal quest and I think that even the wack-jobs will find what they are looking for someday. 
After practicing Wicca for a couple of years, I realized it didn’t feel right to me. I really do hate dogma. I don’t want to be told what to believe, what to call gods and goddesses, or even told that I have to believe in a god and a goddess. While I do think that there is certainly a strong force in the universe, I like to think of it is as an energy source that animates all things. I don’t think of it as masculine or feminine, but rather, genderless. Sometimes it’s nice to call it a god or a goddess just to make it easier to understand, but for the most part I never felt comfortable just replacing the christian God with a Wiccan God/Goddess.
My questioning of religion in general went far beyond christianity and right into the very core of what makes humans desire to name a god/goddess and create them in our own image. The intricate similarities between all the religions of the world make me think that each culture creates its own ideas and stories about that which they cannot explain, like death, life after death, how did we get here, why are we here, etc. And then some power hungry jerk comes along and decides to capitalize upon a peoples weakness by using their guiding set of morals and stories as a means of control.
So when all the dogma is stripped away, I am pagan. I simply celebrate the earth festivals for their significance (eostara and beltane which celebrate new life upon the fertile earth, samhain to celebrate everything the earth has given us through its harvest to sustain us, etc). I leave the gods and goddesses out of it.
Am I still spiritual? Very much so. Since I believe in energy (in the theoretical physics way), I believe that anything I put out into the universe will find its way back to me one way or another. So, I treat the earth with great respect, I try to be kind to others, I try to buy local produce to support sustainable agriculture, I teach my children about the sacredness of all life. When I walk outside at night I look up at the moon and feel comforted. I know the moon’s energy plays a vital role upon our planet, and especially upon me as a woman. I look at the sun in the morning and think of how it’s warmth creates new life on our planet and gives us energy.
And the most spiritual part of it is the underlying awareness that I know nothing. For so many years there was a religion I subscribed to that made me feel as though the most important thing was to be right, to have an answer. To be able to feel entirely comfortable with the reality that I know nothing is incredibly satisfying and fulfilling on a deep, spiritual level. It allows me to stop trying to make sense of things and connect dots. Instead, I can just live, cherish my life, and love my family without second-guessing my beliefs or chosen path.
I decided long ago that I don’t need an organized religion to give me a set of morals to live by. I believe that through the love and care of our parents when we are children and by others around us we learn to live honestly and to love truthfully. It doesn’t matter that a bible instructs someone to act in a certain way. What matters is that we are shown how to act by those that love us. And that is how I parent my two little ones. I focus my attention on love, attention, and nurturing guidance rather than fear and harsh discipline.
In summary, I think you have been brave to step out of the mold you were raised in and allow yourself to start asking the questions that you’ve probably wanted to ask for years. Wicca and paganism are incredibly self-empowering paths. There is no middle man between you and your idea of god. There is only you, your own beliefs, and a very old tradition of general ritual practices, like circle casting, calling of the four elements, etc. Both Wicca and paganism celebrate the feminine aspect of life, which is, of course, a gaping void in most organized religions.
I also want to point out that it’s easy to get caught up in buying all sorts of ritual items. It has happened to me! Remember that the purpose of the tools are to help you create a mental shift. The tools themselves don’t have any power. But us humans tend to need symbols of energy and we easily identify with the ritual tools like the athame, the wand, the chalice, etc. In the end, the tools I loved the most were the ones I made myself or found in a special way. The wand I still use is a branch that came off a willow tree in my yard. I took some time to carve it and although it doesn’t look like a fancy $100 wand, I’ve never felt as comfortable with any other wand in my hand.
Here are some resources that might be helpful to you along the way!
For the kids, Starhawk has written a children’s book “Circle Round”, songs, and is an amazing female pagan activist. She has also written a lot of great books, The Spiral Dance being my personal favorite.
Lorelei Greenwood sings beautiful pagan songs and chants.
http://www.geocities.com/firebornspirit/chants.html
(Her chants are powerful, and fun to sing in the car! We all Come from the Goddess is a good classic, as well as We Are a Circle, and Kindle a Fire)
Laura Powers also sings beautiful pagan songs!
Scott Cunningham’s book, “Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner” is probably the best, easy to follow book for learning the basics of circle casting, your rituals tools, etc.
Witchvox.com is a great website. It is chock full of articles and there are links to your local section so you can see what sort of groups are in your area. They usually advertise their open circles on witchvox.
The Pagan Pride festivals will start happening mid-summer, so if you have some time, venture out to one near you. You’ll be able to meet lots of pagans/wiccans and there are open rituals, dancing, drumming, the works. It’s great fun!