I’ve never had commitment problems with other humans, but I find myself totally unable to commit to a geographic location; and the pressure to commit coupled with the inability to do so has slowly driven me insane. For many people, the question of “where to live?” is answered easily. I assume that most people in our country find work and settle down (if not immediately, then eventually) in their home state or even near their home town. And if they don’t end up buying a house in their home state then they follow a job to another state and settle there.
Maine is awesome for a couple of months
But freedom of location is becoming a reality for more and more people. I think it was Tim Ferris who first used the term “geoarbitrage” in the “Four Hour Work Week,” to exemplify the awesomeness that your life could be if you could free yourself from a desk, a building, a specific town, a specific country even. If you didn’t have to be somewhere (like at your desk at your company’s office) then you could go anywhere. And although I question some of Ferris’ ideas, I do support the concept of freedom of location since it coincides directly with our unalienable right, “the pursuit of happiness.”
We attained freedom of location in mid 2007 when Adam got hired at Intridea. They are an awesome high-end software development and products company in DC who allow all of their employees to work from home. And “home” doesn’t mean close to DC where you could be called into the office at any time; it actually means anywhere you call home. Adam’s co-workers are happily spread out across the country, from California, to Atlanta, North Carolina, Alabama, (and Maine) and are free to travel and relocate as desired.
We were living in northern Virginia when Adam started working at Intridea, and when we were granted this amazing freedom we decided to go back to Maine, our home state. We had a 1 year old daughter at the time and I was pregnant with our son. We rationalized returning to Maine to get support from our families and friends. It was a decision based on logistics, not on emotion.
It wasn’t long after we got back to Maine that we remembered why we left it in the first place. It’s incredibly over-priced, the housing market is full of really old houses that are falling apart, it’s economically depressed and depressing, it’s absolutely frigid for 6 months of the year, and our families and friends are spread so far apart across the state that we can’t seem to ever make anyone happy. That’s not to say there isn’t anything nice about Maine. Of course the coastline and mountains are gorgeous, there’s lots of undeveloped and preserved land, and access to lots of small farms. But Maine is called “Vacationland” for a good reason; it’s a great place to visit. It’s a rugged and tiring place to live.
But this is the reality of Maine: frigid north
We realized we made a bad decision about 2 months after we got here. Yet, we’ve lingered and suffered here for 2 1/2 years because we have been too paralyzed by choice (and guilt) to go anywhere else. How do you explain to your parents, whom love their grandchildren so dearly, that you’re going half way across the country (or the world, even), not because you have to for a job or anything, but simply because you feel like it.
We have been on the verge of buying a house here for the past couple of months, and I’m not sure what drove us to that decision other than a bad renting experience and just plain exhaustion; it’s exhausting to have all this freedom and not know what to do with it. When we got here 2 years ago, we spent months just talking about where else we could go; and when you can go anywhere, where do you go? When you have (now three) small children, do you conform to society’s (and family’s) expectations to be responsible and settle down and buy a house in order to give your children that sense of stability? After all, it seems like it’s our social obligation to get the largest mortgage we can possibly afford, make payments on 2000 sq/ft for the next 30 years, pay the HOA fees, keep our grass cut neatly and put the kids through the same government run education system for 13 years of their life.
The moment we buy a house we sign away this highly sought-after freedom. Usually, the most difficult aspect in attaining “freedom of location” is in finding a job that affords you that luxury. And we already have that. Are we willing to sign that freedom away in exchange for a mediocre life? But after almost three years of having this freedom and not knowing what to do with it, and being too afraid to actually do anything with it, are we better off just submitting to the fate of staying in the state we were born and raised in, even though we’re not that happy with it?
When do you take the reins and pioneer your own life and your own happiness, even at the expense of your family and friends’ happiness and at the expense of the “norm”? What are other families doing that have this freedom?
So while geoarbitrage is new hotness, it comes with the “tyranny of choice.” Which can drive you insane. Because the open-endedness of “choice” is torturous.
Thursday, 4. February 2010
We bought a condo in early 2005, near the zenith of the housing market boom. Our daughter was just a year old at the time and we thought we were doing the responsible thing and that it would be a good investment.
Since then we’ve decided that MA is not the place for us. We want to be where it’s warm, and though we have a few other requirements that is the biggest one. Florida seems to be the place that keeps coming up — it’s warm, it’s on the east coast so traveling back north to family is easier (than from the west coast), there are plenty of pharmacy jobs for my wife, and programming jobs for me (and it’s the stomping ground of the Rails Envy guys), and it’s near the ocean, and it’s probably the most liberal of the southern states, etc. etc.
However, the sad fact is that we’re stuck in a condo that has lost about 30% of it’s value since we bought it. All of the other units that have sold around us have been foreclosures. We don’t want to walk away from the house, but renting it out might not be feasible either. The phrase “your money or your life” comes to mind…
On the other hand, it’s a nice house and we’re both employed near where we live and there’s a great school nearby, so it wouldn’t kill us to stay. But it’s not warm, and we hate being cooped up for so many months.
So yeah, I hear ya…
Thursday, 4. February 2010
I think this applies to a lot of decisions. When I was younger, I drew a lot (I draw somewhat less now). I used to be terrified of a blank sheet of paper. “How do I know what lines to draw? How do I know where to start?” I would think and, you know, not draw any lines at all.
Eventually, I came to the realization that just picking anywhere to start is better than just staring at an empty page. This advice is perhaps not so easy with three kids, but if you want to move, I’d say pick a place that sounds interesting and rent an apartment or house there for six months. Plan to go somewhere else after that. Get really good at packing and unpacking. It doesn’t matter if that first place is the best choice… you’re looking to go places, not a place. So if the first one isn’t The One, then, well, good.
Thursday, 4. February 2010
It sounds to me like you absolutely should not buy a house, and should start exploring as soon as possible. If you already feel you are settling for convenience over happiness, that choice will never get easier to deal with if you can’t be content with it now.
Not having kids myself I would expect that does make things a bit more difficult. Moving around is exponentially more complicated, but if you can pull it off you will find it all that much more rewarding. Especially if you encourage a love of new experiences in your kids along the way. There will be a lot more responsibility to make sure that your kids get all the support etc. that they need vs. shipping them off to school and hoping for the best.
In summary, I believe that choosing not to be tied down will be harder, but ultimately your family will be better off for it. Just my two cents as a practicing nomad.
Friday, 5. February 2010
When I was 23, I packed up my little geo prism with as much as it could hold and moved from Pennsylvania to Portland Maine by myself. I needed out of PA and had visited Maine twice and liked it. Granted at that time, I was young, naive and had nothing holding me in PA besides my family. It was a difficult decision because I am very close with my parents, but at the same time I knew it was just something I needed to do for my happiness. I never planned to stay. I figured I’d be here for a year or two and then try somewhere different. I met Craig after being here for about a year. We absolutely loved Portland and I never has the feeling that I wanted to leave. I couldn’t imagine being happier anywhere else. When I got pregnant with Benjamin I had an overwhelming need to buy a house. I just thought it was the thing we were supposed to do. Craig’s parents were both living in Auburn. My parents were 10 hours away. I blame it on the pregnancy hormones. I felt I absolutely needed to be near family, even if it wasn’t my parents - which is what I really wanted. So, we ended up buying a house in Lewiston. As much as the support from his family has been great, I feel like it’s one of the biggest mistakes we ever made. I’ve been in Lewiston for 5 years now, and have never really been happy here. I’ve made some great friends and there are some fun things to do, but in general, I hate the area. Anytime we want to go somewhere, we have to drive at least a half hour to 45 minutes. And then it’s a whole day outing with lots of packing of lunches and stuff. My point is, unless your sure, don’t settle for something.
As you know, we just put our house on the market. We bought in 2005 which sucks. Luckily our agent thinks we can ask the same amount that we bought it for 5 years ago. So, we don’t make any money but we don’t lose any either. The thought of not being able to sell and being stuck here has been making me sick for quite some time. I’m at a point where I just want out. I hate feeling tied down to this area. As soon as we sell the house, we’re packing everything up and moving to Philadelphia. Most people probably think were crazy to do that with two kids and no job. Craig graduated in December and still can’t find a job up here. It’s awful. It’s bad everywhere, but the market is better elsewhere. I keep thinking about all the new things that we will experience living somewhere else. I love Maine. Most of the time. Winter sucks. I will definatly miss it, and my friends and family. But it comes down to what I feel is the best for me and my immediate family. I say if you’re thinking of trying somewhere else out, go for it. If you hate it, it’s not the end of the world. If you do decide to buy a house, I think it should definatly be for happiness though and not for convience. At least in my experience.
Monday, 8. February 2010
You’ve all given me really great ideas to think about. You should have heard Adam shouting “yeah! yeah!” in agreement with what you were saying as I read the responses out loud to him!
I’ve realized that the last thing I want right now is to buy a house here in Maine and get stuck with a mortgage payment and not be able to get out of here. Adam and I talked a lot this weekend and we’ve decided to go rent a townhouse in the Raleigh/Durham/Cary area of North Carolina for a year so we can checkout that area. We’ve always been interested in that region, plus he has a co-worker in the area, so we’d know someone down there. And it’s WARM
And like Ben Hamill said — we have to start somewhere. You can’t just stare at a blank page, too afraid to draw any lines. I feel like it’s time to pull the trigger and make the decision. It’s going to be so rough for our families, but like Jill pointed out, we need to do what’s best for “our” (immediate) family. And although the kids would probably be happy just about anywhere, they are not going to be happy if Adam and I are miserable, so we need to work on making decisions about our lives that make us happy.
Good luck with selling your house Jill! Good for you for being courageous enough to make such a big change!
And Lar, thanks for your advice too. You’re right, it’s certainly harder to move around with kids, but then again it’s even more important to create a good situation BECAUSE we have the kids. I think they’ll appreciate it!
And Chris: thanks for sharing your experience. Just reading about being stuck in that situation was enough to keep me from taking the plunge and buying a house here in Maine!
It really wouldn’t be wise for us to do that, already knowing that we don’t really love the area.
All of this makes me question, why exactly is there so much pressure to buy a house from friends and families? Why does anyone care?
Wednesday, 10. February 2010
I’m glad you found the motivation you were looking for! Ironically, just yesterday we received a message from our primary mortgage company. We knew our rate was going to reset in April, but we hadn’t had any luck getting someone to refinance it. As it turns out, our interest rate is going down by more than half. I’m not sure what that equates to payment wise (because we’re also transitioning from an interest-only payment to a fully amortized payment plan), but from what the paper says it could very well be a lower payment than we make now. If that’s correct, then it means we may actually be able to afford to rent it out at a reasonable place. Because the alternative is to just mail the keys back to the mortgage company at the end of the school year. One way or the other, we have to get outta New England…